Republican Idiots

…The thing here to remember is George W. Bush kept us safe — from Bill Clinton’s surplus.

By now our conservative friends watching this are upset, saying, “Yeah, there you go, still blaming Bush.” And you know what, yeah, I still blame Bush for stuff Bush did. I still blame George Lucas for Jar Jar Binks, too.

And for the record, nobody’s actually blaming Bush. They’re blaming Bush policies. “Blaming Bush” implies he was actually in charge…

So tonight I want to mention some of the positive things George W. Bush did. Because when you put aside having two wars off the books while cutting taxes for rich people, then leaving a mess behind in the world’s greatest financial dine-n-dash; ignoring warnings on bin Laden; reading “My Pet Goat” while his country was under attack because Cheney had things under control; never once balancing a budget…

When you can look beyond the little things, like opposing stem cell research; pulling out of the Kyoto Protocol; authorizing torture; calling torture “enhanced interrogation;” having the fewest press conferences of any president in history, but the most vacation (over three years of his eight-year term, on vacation)…

When you get over your petty liberal grievances about withdrawing America from the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty; cocking up the Katrina disaster; “Heckuva job, Brownie;” cutting veterans’ health care by billions; cutting Pell Grant loans for students; shock and awe; making polluting corporations in charge of their own cleanup with no penalties if they didn’t; “free speech zones;” opposing expanded health care for National Guard families; wearing the flight suit…

If you can rise above your childish hang-ups over the Pat Tillman death cover-up; troops sent into battle with inadequate body armor; letting Baghdad be looted but having U.S. troops protect the oil ministry; warrantless wiretaps; only testifying before the 9/11 Commission if he could do it with Cheney sitting beside him and still refusing to testify under oath; trading Sammy Sosa; Cheney; Rove; Rummy; Wolfowitz; Yoo; billions dollars to Halliburton through no-bid crony contracts — that ain’t capitalism— not allowing fallen soldiers’ coffins to be photographed because it was bad PR…

Never attending a fallen soldier’s funeral; believing Iran and Iraq were part of an “axis” when they really hated each other; lying about mushroom clouds; stealing the election from you-know-who; acting like he had a mandate when he lost the popular vote (a real man would’ve said, “Count all the votes,” by the way); the deliberate outing of a CIA operative as political retribution for her husband telling the truth about Bush’s yellowcake uranium…

God, if Billy Joel were here he’d make this rhyme…

If we as a nation could get over Medicare Part D; encouraging attacks on our own soldiers by saying, “Bring it on;” over 4,400 dead soldiers; [up to] 100,000 dead Iraqis; announcing he didn’t care about finding bin Laden while families were still grieving; inventing pre-emptive war (it’s very Christian — “Forgive us our trespasses while we trespass against those we think will one day trespass against us”); giving our economy away to the banks; bailing out the banks who ripped us off; calling prisoners of war “enemy combatants” so we wouldn’t have to observe the Geneva Convention; losing 800,000 jobs per month by the time he left office; squandering worldwide goodwill; squandering a surplus; squandering lives and not being able to pronounce “nuclear”…

He was actually a pretty good guy. He tripled AIDS funding to Africa; raised the debt ceiling seven times — that was freedom debt — [was] right in saying regular baseball season interleague play diminished the power of the World Series; prosecuted the 20th 9/11 hijacker in criminal court…

But most importantly, Bush’s greatest achievement for which I will always personally thank him: He didn’t die in office.

So thank you, President Bush. And thanks to all your tax cuts for creating all those jobs. In Asia.